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Miranda Writes: The “Hookup” on Hooking Up

by Omar Miranda

Here’s a question I came across recently on the discussion board at

“Many of my friends are into hooking up and having oral sex, and a lot of them are church members. Should oral sex be saved for marriage, or does it really matter? And is hooking up OK?—Cherry.”

Cherry, I’m so glad that you decided to ask this question. I get asked this question a lot! In fact, this question is probably in the top five most-asked. You asked:

Should oral sex be saved for marriage, or does it really matter?
Is hooking up OK?

To answer your first question bluntly: yes, oral sex should be saved for marriage, and yes, it really matters. The answer to the second question is this: hooking up is not OK. I’ll give you several reasons for both answers.

But first let me again tell you how happy I am that you asked these questions. It’s been my experience that a lot of teens ask other teens these questions without speaking to any adults or seeking to know what God has to say about it. It’s good that you’re reaching out.

It sounds as if you’re receiving some pressure to engage in these practices, or maybe you already have. Either way, you need to know what God has to say.
First things first: when God says don’t, what He’s really saying is don’t hurt yourself! You see, sex is a very powerful thing, and it can be used for good or for bad. The apostle Paul clearly stated that sexual sin is a sin that affects you differently than any other sin: “Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, . . . none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. . . . You can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. . . . Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never!  And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, ‘The two are united into one.’  But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him. Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.  Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:9-20, NLT).¹

Here’s the bottom line: when you have sex—any sex, whether it’s oral sex or hooking up without a committed (married) and monogamous (one woman and one man) relationship for life—then the thing that was meant to glue a husband and wife together ends up gluing people to each other who aren’t committed to each other.

When you decide to have any kind of sexual practices, even if it’s just touching through clothes or even looking without touching (as with pornography), feelings and emotions run high and, in the midst of all that passion, hearts are connected. But the problem is that there’s no commitment. And it’s been my experience that girls usually get involved in sexual situations because the guy they are with makes them feel loved and cared about. In other words, if you get a girl’s heart, the body is sure to follow, and not far behind. Girls respond to this caring with deeper emotions, which usually leads them to get involved in various sexual situations. Girls usually give sex to get love, and guys usually give “love” to get sex. Also, your relationship with God takes a big hit because you begin to feel guilt, shame, sadness, depression, worry, and anxiety.

Sometimes teens get into relationships and feel forced or pressured by their boyfriends/girlfriends to have different types of sex with the excuse “If you loved me, you would . . .” But my response to that is simply this: If that person loves you, the best way to test and strengthen that love connection is by not engaging in sex. In fact, the best way to quickly ruin a growing relationship is to start any sexual behavior.

When I was a teen, my mother used to always tell me, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” What does this mean? Is it some weird kind of Puerto Rican Zen riddle? Of course not. It simply tells a time-tested truth: In a relationship, people who get involved in sexual behaviors before marriage usually stop growing both as individuals and as a couple.  And that’s because sex feels good! Once you’ve had it, it’s hard not to have it. So instead of the relationship being based on individual and shared strengths and interests, all of a sudden it becomes based on getting more and more sex. And relationships based on sex wind up in the trash heap, with a lot of pain and suffering to follow. 

As the boxing referee says: “Let’s keep this clean, no cheating and nothing below the belt.”

Cherry, God can help you resist the temptations of sexual sin, and He can use you as a light for those who are stumbling in the dark. Just pray, ask Him for guidance, strength, and the will to do things that please Him, and put your mind to it; He will help you to honor Him. “Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise” (Philippians 4:8, CEV).²

Until next time, remember these things: God’s way is always the best way. Life is full of decisions, so make yours good ones. Put God first in your life, and you can’t go wrong.

Feel free to contact me: you can e-mail me at; or you can keep up with me on Facebook; or you can read more of my stuff on Miranda Writes, at; or you can check me out or send me a message at my Web site,; or you can reach me via snail mail (slow!) at the address printed below.

In Christ,
Omar Miranda, certified Christian counselor
Abundant Life Ministries
155 Earl Street
Plainville, GA 30733
Phone: 1-770-354-2912

    ¹Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
    ²Scripture quotations identified CEV are from the Contemporary English Version. Copyright © American Bible Society 1991, 1995. Used by permission.

Omar Miranda is a Christian counselor with 20 years’ experience working with youth in public and private middle and high schools. He’s married and has two kids. He enjoys teaching the youth at his church, reading, writing, gardening, and camping. He’s a recovering knucklehead who spent a lot of time in the past doing stupid stuff away from God. He’s been back with God for years now and is eager to share what he’s learned from his experiences by answering any questions you may have about life, the Christian life, Jesus, spiritual matters, and relationships in his column, Miranda Writes.

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