Advice

How can we not fall into the friendship category?

Dear Friendship Zone,

There are a few different ways to avoid being friends. You can be enemies. Being enemies takes a lot of work on the front end, but usually prevents a friendship from happening. You can also take the apathetic route. Being apathetic takes very little work, but requires a certain level of indifference that most people don’t really have. There are a few other techniques, such as isolation and being antisocial, but again they take work.

I think you may be asking the wrong question. If you are asking how to avoid friendship, then the techniques above will work fine. If you are asking how to avoid being friends with someone you are attracted to so you can have a romantic relationship, you have a misconception of relationships. You should never avoid a friendship, especially with someone you are attracted to. Why? Because friendship is the foundation for romance.

Friendship gives you several advantages when you are ready to take it a step further. The first advantage you have is trust. Friends trust each other. Proverbs 17:17 says: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Your friend sticks by you through thick and thin. You have a history and experience with them that allows you to be honest and frank with them. These elements are not found in a relationship that begins romantically, because neither side has taken the time to get to know the other. Without friendship it’s hard to include genuine trust in romance.

The second advantage of friendship is knowledge. You know a great deal about your friends. That’s because your friends don’t try to hide as much from you. You see their character in a purer sense. You see their faults and weaknesses. You know what it’s like when they are angry with you. You know what to do to help them when they are sad. You’ve seen them at their best and worst. Most important, you know what they believe. That is a huge advantage when starting a romantic relationship. In romance both sides put their best feet forward in hopes that they will impress each other. When the foundation of friendship is there, you have a lot less pressure on you because the person already knows who you are. They don’t have a false image of you. People in relationships that don’t start as friendships have to find out the hard way the imperfections of their partner; sometimes they don’t make it through that discovery period.

The third and final reason is simple: friendship works. I’ve asked a lot of older couples how they knew they’d married the right person. They always tell me it’s because they married their best friend. Friendship does not stop when romance starts. It stays and supports the couple through the hard times. Romance does not exist in every moment of a relationship. There will be times when the mood will be less than passionate. If you don’t have a foundation of friendship to get you through, your relationship will be in danger.

Don’t avoid friendship; jump into it. Set aside the romantic thoughts and feelings and get to know the person as a friend first. You will see things you didn’t notice before and be able to make better choices when the time comes. My advice: a healthy relationship begins with a healthy friendship. If you can’t be close as friends, then you shouldn’t try to take things further.