Advice

What are some good tips for making a relationship last and not messing it up?

Dear Jay,

Good question. First and foremost, let me put together my disclaimer: In order to even attempt to have a relationship last for a long time, both parties need to be mature enough for a serious relationship. Now, granted, there are some people who are well into their 30s who still don’t seem mature enough for a serious relationship, but generally speaking, you are more emotionally and mentally prepared for a serious relationship once you are out of your teen years. That being said, if you are in those teen years, it’s best to tarry a little longer before you attempt a serious relationship.

Let’s say you are finally at that age. You meet a guy. He tickles your heartstrings, and you definitely see the potential for this to be “the one.” One of the first things you want to do (and hopefully you have already started this process before meeting the guy) is to get down on your knees and ask God to show you if this man is worthy of your time and attention and if he could be the one for you. The more and more you get to know this guy, the more you will see his character shine through. Is it a good and noble character, or is it shady? Be true to your spiritual commitment and to your values. If your beau is constantly  challenging you to break these commitments and values instead of trying to help you stay true to them, then you need to cut him off. Seriously. Why? A man who doesn’t respect the core of what you hold dear cannot respect you in general. And you want someone who loves God and tries his best to grow in his spiritual journey and help you grow in yours as well.  God is the author of love, and you want Him to be the “director” in your love story.

The more you get to know someone, enjoy their company, and find their character noble, the natural progression in the forming of a serious, long-term relationship is love. First Corinthians 13, “the love chapter,” has some great precepts for what true love entails. According to this chapter, love is patient, kind, hopeful, and forgiving. You speak with kind words. You are optimistic. You don’t hold grudges against each other. It’s not proud, envious, self-seeking, just to name a few things. In love, you realize that love isn’t all about “me.”

The more you grow in this love relationship, the more you will want to solidify your commitment to one another. This world will have you think that “making love” is what taking a relationship to the next level means. Nope. I am talking about marriage.

Your original question may have had nothing to do with marriage, but yes, I took it there. Why? Because if you have gone through the processes we’ve been discussing, and God is directing your journey, marriage is the next step, the ultimate commitment. You have made the concrete decision that you will love this person as long as you live. You will let go of self and selfishness and make it a lifelong endeavor to look out for the other’s best interest. So resolute are you in this decision that you are ready to solidify it before God by repeating vows. Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are not meant to be long-term solutions. They are the preparation vehicles for a forever commitment: marriage.

With marriage being the ultimate direction of a serious relationship, can you see why I say being of the right age and maturity is so key before starting one? You can be friends with a guy, but before getting into a relationship and trying to make it last forever, make sure you are ready for the commitment that it entails. I’m praying for you!