Advice

One of my best guy friends recently become a lot closer, I’m not allowed to date until I’m out of high school. What do I do?

Dear Jewel,

I know how it feels when you think you have met the one, and I do not doubt your fondness for each other, because you have been friends for a while. But, my friend, honestly speaking, there are so many red flags going off with this situation that it’s hard to know where to begin! I know that when people feel they have met their “soul mate,” they are filled with so much euphoria that everything seems perfect, and they sometimes take on an “us against the world” mentality. Often, though, after they’ve hurt other people and themselves, they realize that all it amounts to is a case of “emotions gone wild.”

You say that you have kissed each other several times and “want each other more.” Girl, all I can see when I read this is “danger ahead.” I know on the surface that kissing seems rather mild and tame, but it has the tendency to fire up some hormones—hormones that at some point are very likely to say, “OK, this kissing isn’t enough anymore. Let’s move to the next level.” And they’ll keep moving you along level to level until the next thing you know, you have gone way further than our heavenly Father wants us to go when we are not united in marriage.

It’s almost as if you are perfectly set up for such a thing to occur.

You already crave each other to the point that he is ready to break up with someone, and you are ready to disobey your parents (more about this in a second). This is telling me that you have already lost some ability to think through this situation clearly.  If you get into a relationship in which you feel that you have no more barriers, you may find yourself headed down roads you didn’t intend.

He has a girlfriend, and he’s kissing you and ready to break up with her. Not good signs. Yes, it’s easy to rationalize—he’s not married, so what harm done? But just staying on the surface of being respectful toward others? It’s not a cool move. It brings into question the maturity of such an individual to be in a steady relationship. You could counter, saying, “But she’s not the one for him; I am.”

Well, what happens a few years down the line if he decides you aren’t the one (which, you have to admit, is likely, considering you are far removed from marriage age)? Would you want him to carry on the same way in breaking up with you that he’s done in breaking up with his other girlfriend, by starting a new relationship before ending the present one? If he realizes that his girlfriend is not the one for him, he should break up with her, but their breakup shouldn’t be the jump start to your relationship with him.

Last thing, but certainly not least in importance, is the fact that your parents have told you they don’t want you to date until after high school. Parents usually do not set rules because they are trying to be difficult or to curb your fun, but because they love you and want what’s best for you. Relationships are hard and, if rushed into prematurely, can cause a lot of emotional pain. When you are in high school, you have a lot of life left to live, and very often high school relationships don’t become lifelong relationships. If they do, often it’s at the cost of one or both individuals’ future plans, perhaps plans that God had in store for them. I think your parents are trying to prevent you from facing some of this pain and trying to give you a chance to accomplish all God has in store for you. Also realize that ultimately God calls upon us to honor our parents. Breaking this commandment, again, is not something you want to launch a future relationship on.

In Song of Songs there is a verse that says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (8:4, NIV).* If God truly has in store this person to be a potential part of your future, then the situation and circumstances will open up to the point that you will not have to make any compromises in good decision-making. Until then, trust God and stay true to your values. Praying for you!

*Texts credited to NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.