Advice

Is it wrong to kiss before marriage?

Dear Just Wondering,

Kissing before marriage is a subject to which we may not give enough thought. When you were little, kissing was something that you saw older people doing. Chances are, you reacted with indifference or the typical “e-w-w.”

But as we grow, kissing starts to hold intrigue and piques our curiosity. What is it about kissing that makes us want to do it? The science behind kissing is paramount to understanding why we do it.

When we were little, mother kissed our boo-boo to make it feel better. What really happened is that her touch started a physical process that rushed oxygen, peptides, hormones, and other healing agents to our wound. One of them was oxytocin. Oxytocin is associated with the ability to sustain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people.

In reality, your mother’s kissing your boo-boo really did make it feel better, and it connected you to your mother in a closer relationship. (I believe the reason God made babies so kissable is so they can quickly form strong bonds with their parents and family.)

Oxytocin is also associated with touching in romantic relationships. This hormone makes you feel good and lowers some of the normal guards we have when forming relationships with new people. While it’s good to bond quickly with Mom and Dad, it’s not so good to bond quickly with people you don’t know as well.

Kissing someone before you’ve had the chance to get to know them creates an emotional bond without the advantage of being educated on their character and personality. And being emotionally attached to someone without knowing their character and personality is a recipe for disaster.

There is one more thing to consider when talking about kissing before marriage. The human brain is not fully developed until a person is 25 years old. The part of the brain that takes so long to develop is the frontal lobe, which is active in decision-making and processing abstract thoughts. My point is that we should make important decisions, such as whom to marry, with the advantage of our full decision-making capabilities.

Now, let’s put kissing and marriage together to answer your question. You wouldn’t marry someone you didn’t fully know,  and you wouldn’t fully know someone until you’re old enough to handle that type of relational information. Then why would you form a family bond, similar to that of a husband and wife, until you’re sure that you’re going to marry the person you’re kissing?

Kissing is a big step in a relationship. It creates bonds and forms ties that are meant to last a lifetime. I know that when you look around, you see a lot of people kissing and walking away like it was nothing. However, people wear those regrets on the inside.

It’s much easier and comfortable to wait to kiss until you’re ready to get married. In fact, I know couples who chose to wait for their first kiss until their wedding day, and they don’t regret it at all.

If you’ve already kissed, it’s a good time to stop and really get to know the person you’re kissing. Don’t continue to kiss without fully understanding what it means to each person: it should mean that you’re ready for marriage.

If you haven’t kissed yet, make your future husband or wife feel special—save your first kiss for them. If you do, I’m sure you won’t  regret it either.